After weeks of tough negotiations, I have secured world famous kickball coach Mallory for thinktank!

For those of you who have never played this game of kings here are the basics. By the time people play on the Saturday of thinktank, I don’t expect you be able to concentrate too much.

There will also be a little twist on the rules.

1. Team captains will be chosen. Then the team captains will choose their teams from those who want to play, leaving the last few people being chosen to feel unloved and rejected. I personally am still recovering when in 6th grade when teams were chosen for a school yard baseball game, a girl was chosen before me. Ever since I have had an unquashable thirst for success!

2. One team is outfield, and one is up. Just like baseball.

3. There is home plate, and first, second, and third bases.

4. Your own team pitches to you, to maximize the amount of massive slam you can get out of your kick. We will be experimenting with red rubber balls, and the super cheap but highly bouncy balls they sell at the grocery store. We will be kicking barefoot, you will see why in a second.

5. You yell to your pitcher what type of pitch you want. The permutations are as follows (clearly I think you guys are literate, otherwise I would not use words like permutation – “Mind flashes back to first comment on last blog, Where are the boobz);

Slow rollies – gives you plenty of time to aim and plan and time your kick.

Fast rollies – in the minds of many this gives you more potential power in your kick, Newtons second law of motion.

Slow bouncies – Never made sense to me, but the more random of kids thought this would give them the option of kicking it higher, but the timing is not for the meek or timid.

Fast bouncies – Now this one is just plain ridiculous and has no possible benefit. I think this was mostly used to show off your manliness and prowess to the other second graders.

(My mind now drifts to sitting in the outfield at Brett Hart Elementary school, back in the hood, on the mean streets of Burbank, when I sat their confused trying to reconcile what I had just been told getting to first base, second base, third base and a home run, and being utterly confused about why someone would want to get to third base? and getting kind of queezy just thinking about it!)

6. Once you kick the ball, provided it has landed within the angle formed by home and first, and home and second base, you then run like hell around the bases.

This is where we will switch it up a bit. The bases will all be in the sand, except for second base which will be in around 2 feet of water. In fact we will be recruiting someone from the thinktank, to BE second base. Perhaps this could be the last person picked for a team, thereby demoralizing them even further. I volunteer!

7. You are gotten “out”, if when you kick it the other team catches the ball before it hits the water, or the sand. On controversial, splashy, diving catches, coach Mallory will adjudicate if you were out, or still in the play!

8. Like baseball when a team is out three times, then places are switched. Play 3 innings then the game is over. Mallory will keep score, and remember you have been drinking, so when you argue about the score your opinion will not be taken very seriously.

9. This game is dangerous and will be played under international beach kickball rules. (considered by many to place you at risk of sand in your ears0 So please read your release form before participating!

As a final note, negotiations are currently under way to try to secure, Chris ” hedgehog “aka “follower whore” to play on one of the teams. Representatives from both sides have been up until the late hours of the night negotiating his appearance fee.

Coach Mallory has also agreed to stay around after the game for autographs and photos.